You’re Not a Baddie for Setting Boundaries

Personal boundaries are a form of self-care.

The need to create them could originate through recognising the need to protect yourself, often from people whose behaviour has repeatedly proven to be toxic.

Other times, it may be a case of recognising that the company of a certain person doesn’t leave you feeling good, whether emotionally or energetically.

There are all sorts of reasons why we start to feel the need to create stronger boundaries around ourselves.

Even just recognising the need can take time and only comes about through the repeated experience of unhealthy patterns.

Once the recognition has occurred, though, it’s impossible to ignore the need.

Setting a new boundary can take time.

It could be a subtle withdrawal from a toxic person. 

Perhaps you need to share a very hard and honest conversation, bringing the issues to the surface. It may be a severe separation, where it becomes an all-or-nothing connection.

Whether the setting of boundaries results in the improvement of a relationship or the complete dissolution of it, there’s a high chance you will be painted as the baddie in the relationship.

Toxic people rarely take responsibility for their role in such events. If they do, the relationship stands a chance of survival. If they don’t, it’s either going to be an endless repetition of a dysfunctional relationship or it’s going to be the end of it.

I’ve been setting a new boundary over the last twelve months, with someone who overlaps into my life through association with someone I love. I can’t avoid seeing this person, but I’ve recognised that they are not happy unless they are causing drama. It may range from trying to make my loved one feel guilty over nothing, nit-picking my loved one constantly, or trying to draw me in only to then b*tch about me to my loved one when I have done absolutely nothing wrong.

It feels to me like this person is scared to be loved.

Whenever I have shown them kindness in the past, they have received it to a point, then created a drama to push me away. I kept using compassion and forgiveness to move forward with them, on repeat for years, until I realised it was a never-ending cycle and a game that I was no longer willing to participate in.

While I still have compassion for the person, I also came to recognise that I need to treat myself more kindly by avoiding those situations.

As a result, I risk being seen as a bad person, simply because I am not engaging in conversations with them anymore, beyond polite greetings. But it is a much healthier space for my heart and mental health.

Guilt, drama, victimhood, constant complaining about others, unreliability to create equal relationships, blame, accusations, and a lack of remorse or responsibility for their actions are all traits used by toxic people.

They may not carry all of these, but in my observations over the decades, these are some of the most common characteristics.

We will never go through life being liked and understood by everyone.

If that’s the priority, then it’s a life wasted, as it is impossible to do so.

It also leads to living a life not true to yourself. Instead, it creates a life to keep other people happy or to receive false validation.

Even if people you love have dysfunctional relationships with toxic people, you don’t have to. We all have our individual soul lessons with each other and we are not to know what that loved one is to learn through their relationship. But if we choose kindness, including to ourselves, it becomes possible to function without unnecessary energy leaks.

Life is hard enough in these changing times where most of us are living disconnected from nature and true community – the only way that actually supports us for a wholesome life. And I’m not talking about a mungbean-and-organic-food type of wholesome (though I do like those), I’m talking about going through life with joy, support, wonder, connection, and a sense of being loved and valued.

Choose carefully who you give your energy to. Extractions from toxic people can take time, but recognising the need to do so is the first step. And it doesn’t make you a baddie. It makes you a strong person unwilling to give a toxic person power through the games they play with other people’s hearts.

With love,

Bronnie.

PS. Some of my deepest lessons in self-kindness came through the journey shared in my book, Bloom. If you haven’t read it yet, here is more information. It has helped thousands of people in all sorts of ways. It may help you too.

There is also a new vlog out since the last newsletter. It’s not as long as others, but long enough to help reset your nervous system to a more relaxed state. It’s called Soaking It All In On My Wild Acreage. Taking a break from anything in life can return us renewed for another chapter, and it certainly feels great to be returning to the vlog. I love blending words and images, and telling stories this way. All my vlogs are housed here. I hope you enjoy them. You can also subscribe on YouTube to ensure you don’t miss one.