Even the Most Mellow Folks Sometimes have Anger

And it’s Possibly Masking Something Else

Angry people gets a bad rap in society. They’re judged as being out of control if their anger is not contained. Or a child who is in their full expression of being overwhelmed gets labelled as a ‘bad’ child. There’s no such thing as a bad child, only scared ones with unmet needs. And there is a child inside all of us who, despite how much love we did or didn’t receive, still has unmet needs.

It’s an ancestral thing.

Many of our parents grew up with parents in survival mode, through the second world war or other turbulence. Their love was often practical. They didn’t have the indulgence of time or energy to make it too emotional. So even the most loving older parents now haven’t been loved up as much as they needed, so how can they love us up as fully as we need to be?

As each generation heals the past of its ancestral line and evolves more emotionally, breaking family patterns of destruction or pain, unmet emotional needs become more obvious.

It’s not just parental and ancestral lineage that needs healing, though, it’s also society.

We no longer live in the neighbourly communities of times gone by.

Rarely do we know every family in the street, where children are free to ride their bikes for hours with no mobile phones to check in regularly to their parents, where the parents know their kids are safe or that a neighbour will bring them home if they hurt themselves, or we might have a tribe of neighbourhood kids playing in our own backyard.

Those days have slipped away.

We have become isolated through ‘social’ media. As my wise and funny friend, Marcus Pearce, always says, “Social media is not social”. (Click on this link to read more about the teachings and trips for living fully that Marcus offers.)

I won’t make this newsletter all about bagging social media as it has its positives too – I’ve formed some beautiful connections through it over the years. But, it’s not truly social, not in the healthy sense. It creates isolation.

Very few of us are living in communities anymore, so we’re doing a lot of life alone with just our closest family or not even that nearby. Even for those of us who have great neighbourly relationships, as I’m blessed with, community is not what it once was.

It’s not the way it’s meant to be.

This current way of life creates a strong sense of being overwhelmed, even for those with the tools of meditation practices and the like. I know very few people who are not exhausted and/or leaning towards being overwhelmed at the moment. Surely that’s an indication that we’re off-track in society.

This could turn into a whole book if I listed all the ways of that. So for now, we just need to acknowledge that most of our global leaders prioritise capitalism and ego over the survival and wellbeing of our species and planet.

We are not connected enough through our natural states of love and kindness, and we are not supporting each other in ways that would create a better world because most of us are exhausted from the actual state of the world. (This is why it is critical to commit to some time offline every day and week, and some space to simply be and/or to connect.)

I saw a great quote on social media a little while back and it pierced my heart with relief.

It is attributed to C.S. Lewis but its source cannot be confirmed. Regardless, it read:

“I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name was grief.”

I’d been feeling a bit volatile and explosive prior to reading it. That level of anger didn’t sit comfortably with me, so I opened my heart to curiosity in order to heal whatever was propelling it. And it was grief.

Grief for my guitar which I can no longer play due to disabled hands. There is grief for the freedom of full health and mobility due to restrictions I live with now, despite the better days. I dealt with a melanoma over summer and had to be cut open twice … all is fine now but it was a ride. Grief also existed for the emotional support I needed in parenting but wasn’t getting enough of. And I’ve got a hip surgery coming soon enough.

We’ve all got our challenges.

Looking for the blessings in life is what carries me through the hard times and certainly will again. But sometimes it’s important to admit to ourselves if the load is too heavy and make the necessary changes to lighten it.

I did so by prioritising gentleness and getting the emotional support I needed. I enjoyed quality space to myself, as well as the company of great people, with a dose of laughter, spontaneity, and nurturing thrown in. This allowed the anger to dissolve, the grief to soften, and a lighter heart to return.

I share this to hopefully deepen compassion between us all. If someone is angry to you, you absolutely do not have to be their dumping ground. But at least try to look at their brokenness with compassion when you step back.

And if you’re currently experiencing more anger than usual, remember that a little anger is healthy. But high levels of anger represent something painful inside that needs tenderness and a deep sense of safety to receive the necessary love and healing from you.

Know yourself and tune in when the balance feels off.

With love,

Bronnie.

PS. The Purple Chair is my debut into inspirational fiction and is loved by many. It covers an enormous range of human emotions and healing. If you haven’t dived in yet, you may find it’s just the cup of tea you need at the moment.

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